S. Sorry

Dear T__

I miss you.  I miss your laugh and your sense of humour.  I especially miss the laughts we had together. You know that even now after 8 years of no contact with you, whenever it is Easter time I still feel like I should be getting ready to come and stay with you for the long weekend?

I miss the changing of the seasons that you see so readily in C__, especially when we used to go on picnics.  I miss the jokes we used to have when pointing out birds, mostly at L__’s expense.  I miss the markets, the drives, the games of Union we used to watch.  Most of all I miss the evenings that we would come home cold and exhausted, when you would turn the heater on full blast and we would each change into our track pants and socks, grab a drink and sit down on the lounge until dinner.

Oh, the fabulous dinners you used to make for us – never a dud meal T__.  Then, with our tummies full and the heat still up high we would watch a movie with a guarantee that you would be asleep before the end.

I’m not sure you want this letter T__ after all these years.  I’m not sure that you want to hear from me again and have bad feelings and anger towards me resurface.  But, I want you to know that I loved you like a sister and the feeling was mutual.  I also want you to know that I will forever be truly sorry for hurting you in the way that I did.

I deliberately did not contact you after L__ and I split up because I didn’t want there to be a division in your emotions.  I really felt that he deserved your full support and that he needed to feel your anger towards me too.  I still believe that.  I don’t know if it was the right way to do things (the way I left that is), and I know that your mother will never understand it, but that’s why I did it like that.

I know your Mum would have thought about whether I liked her or not or if she could have done something differently.  The reality is of course that I liked your mother very much and she couldn’t have changed the outcome no matter how hard she tried.  It was for that very reason I didn’t contact either of you.

I know I can never answer all of your questions and that isn’t the purpose of this letter.  I miss you that’s all, and I never wanted you to continue thinking that I thought so little of you when I left.  The truth is so very different.  I wish I could have done things differently, spoken to you one last time.  I know that’s not possible.

Take care of yourself T__ and give your Mum an extra hug when you see her next.

I’m sorry.

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