P. Poo (and other bum stuff)

I’m away for the week, so I’m going to try and post a few in advance.  Not sure how far I’ll get, but I’ll have a go.

In other news, I thought I’d try and be funny today.  Let me know if it works….


An Ode to Poo

I dropped a giant turd so big a tear ran down my cheek.
Far out!  I thought when I was done, I’m cleaned out for a week.

I wiped my arse and looked to check the paper for a marker
Clean break I see, fantastic!  There’s not one hint of kaka.

I fold that paper over and hold it in my hand
I need to see my handiwork that bombed into the can

And there it was my giant turd in all its majesty
standing on end proud and tall for all the world to see.

The girth was quite impressive no wonder my eyes watered
but the length of it!  Oh golly gosh, surely that should have been quartered.

How did it stay in one piece while escaping from my colon?
I’m not that tall for such a thing to come out so big and swollen.

I told my partner of my feat, he said “You’re so juvenile”
but I know that deep down inside he loves this topic so puerile.

The kids?  They really love it too, farts and poos and bums and wees.
A fluff, a trump call it what you want, bum stuff is sure to please.

Still, gone are the days of floating turds in the bath or in the pool,
and surprise cables on the bathroom rug was never very cool.

That is the joy of having kids, you never know what they will bring,
but at any time you can expect a gift dropped from their ring.

Their Dad will sometimes roll his eyes and say Girls! You need to stop it.
But we look at him and laugh wondering who is next to drop it.

After all he does the big Dad farts that rip his arse in half,
or says pull my finger to the girls which always gets a laugh.

I guess the girls will soon grow up and find this SO not funny
but I’m sure it won’t be very long before they come back running

into the fold and say to their own – a turtle head is showing!
A brown trout is coming out my bum, or my clacker’s close to blowing!

But me?  Well I’ll just carry on after all it is quite healthy.
Better out than in and all that jazz and my silent ones are stealthy.

I’ll be that Grandma in the corner quiet as a mouse
and chuckle quietly to myself as my perfume fills the house

The girls won’t know where to look, their partners will look sick
the grandkids will run out laughing, “You reckon Grandma did a shit?”

I laugh now just to think of it, for me it never gets old
On my tombstone:  Here lies Grandma.  She farted loud and proud and bold.


4 Comments on “P. Poo (and other bum stuff)”

  1. Sylvia says:

    I must say this is the first poem I’ve ever read about excriment! I’m stopping by from the A to Z challenge and I look forward to reading more from you.

    • ExpatGab says:

      Hi Sylvia, I hope I haven’t put you off reading more of my blogs! I thought it would be a bit of fun and having an 8 year old stepson just visit who is obsessed with this topic, it seemed very timely! I like your blog too and your novel sounds very interesting – certainly something I would read. Good luck with it.

  2. melinda says:

    What a crack up Gabs!You have a way with words!!LMAO

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